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Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

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The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

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The reward of one duty is the power to fulfill another.

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Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.

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If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.

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I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?

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I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

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A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

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When there are two conflicting versions of a story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.

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