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This report, by its very length, defends itself against being read.

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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

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These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.

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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

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I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

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My only fear is that I may live too long. This would be a subject of dread to me.

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On stage, I make love to 25,000 people, then I go home alone.

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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

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You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

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Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.

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