Today jokes
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How do Religious Education teachers mark exams? With spirit levels.
Examiner: I think you know very little, if anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage? Student: 'Judas departed and went and hanged himself.' Examiner: Well, that's a surprise. Can you quote another? Student: 'Go thou and do likewise.'
Jill: Have you read the Bible? Jack: No, I'm waiting for the film to come round.
What's black and white, black and white, black and white? A nun rolling down a hill.
At what time of day was Adam born? Just before Eve.
What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar? He raised Cain.
Who is the fastest runner in history. Adam - because he was the first in the human race.
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
God is sitting up in his ivory tower, he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop around to discuss a few suggestions. "What about Mars," says one of them. "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago," says God, "it was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about Pluto," suggests another. "Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago," says God. "Fucking freezing it was too." "What about Mercury," says another. "It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again," says God. "What about Earth then," suggests another. "You must be joking," says God, "I went there about 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're still bloody talking about it."
Who was the best actor in the bible ? Samson, he brought the house down !