Today jokes
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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's.
If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then... Hey, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea.
In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is "snake." And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.