New jokes
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On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. "I hope this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound. "Why?" replies the cabin steward. "Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."
The transatlantic liner was experiencing particularly heavy weather, and Mrs Jones wasn't feeling well. "Would you care for some more supper, ma'am?" asked the steward. "No, thanks," replied the wretched passenger. "Just throw it overboard to save me the trouble."
A police officer was amazed to see a hiker walking along the road carrying a sign which read "To Seattle." "What are you doing with that?" asked the police officer. "I'm walking to Seattle," said the hiker, "and I don't want to lose my way."
Tourist: Is this 99 Main Street? Resident: No, it's 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse people.
Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.
Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town? Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.
Police Officer: Why did you lead me on a five-state chase? Driver: I love to travel.
Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.
Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the Mexican. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the tourist. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The tourist asked, "So what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, spend time with my wife... In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, chase the senioras, and sing a few songs. I have a full life." The tourist said, "I have a M.B.A. from Stanford and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue , you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the tourist. "And after that?" asked the Mexican. "Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really?" asked the Mexican. "And after that?" The tourist replied, "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village n ear the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, spend time with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"