New jokes
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A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg. I told her I'd be fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got.
QUESTION: What is honeymoon? ANSWER: That brief span of time between, "I do" and "You'd better!"
QUESTION: Why should a honeymoon only be six days? ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week.
QUESTION: Do you know what is honeymoon? ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?" The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away." The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?" The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician." And the other said, "Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.
When Mr. Maxwell's wife left him he couldn't sleep. "She took the bed!"
Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.