New jokes
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I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking. What did he say? He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate. Did that do any good? No - I can't get the chocolate to light.
Boy: What's black, slimy, with hairy legs and eyes on stalks? Mom: Eat the cookies and don't worry about what's in the tin.
An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."
Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to come away from that cookie tin? No more, mom. It's empty.
What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie? You can't dip a vampire in your tea.
Three cookies were crossing the road when the first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety? Crumbs!
How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.
At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after egg from a little boy's ear. "There!" he said proudly. "I bet your Mum can't produce eggs without hens, can she?" "Oh yes, she can," said the boy. "She keeps ducks."
What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg? First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
My brother's on a seafood diet. Really? Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.