New jokes
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Judge: Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes, by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct? A: Yes. Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?
Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. Justice: A decision in your favor.
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb? Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him. Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money." Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."
Judge to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?" Witness: "Approximately milepost 499." Judge:: "And where is milepost 499?" Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."